Because it's never too early to start learning life skills

Paige decided that it would be a good idea to wake up at 5:45 this morning, so I suddenly find myself with an hour or two to kill. And as I sat looking around our tiny little living room I thought to myself: "self, you know what you haven' t done for a while? Blogged. You've spent the last month writing papers on 'occult historiography' and the 'the strength and weaknesses of the sociology of scientific knowledge' and it's about time that you wrote something that someone will actually want to read." So, here goes.

When you're a new parent every day brings with it the potential for surprise. In moments of reflection, such as now, this is a amazing thing - as you can pause, paste everything together into a neat little story and recognize that your baby girl is growing up right before your eyes. Sometimes this can be a little sad.

I've always had a bad 'visual' memory. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to remember pictures and images as anything more than vague impressions. Ask me to describe my mother's face and I'm not sure I could do it. Ask me to describe my own face and I doubt I would get past 'big, crooked nose.' Because of this I am especially bad at noting the subtle physical changes that sneak up on us over time - in my mind, people have always looked just as they do when I see them. The face of the present becomes the face of the past - to use a Foucaltian turn-of-phrase. You would think that this incapacity would be diminished somewhat with respect to babies, seeing as how they change so fast, but when I look as Paige it's still almost impossible for me to imagine her looking any different than she does now.

But sometimes it hits you. Like last week, when I sat watching Paige while Rebecca did something responsible. In pursuit of an idle thought I opened up my library of family photos and Paige and I sat and stared at ourselves for the better part of a half-hour. Over and over again I marveled at just how different my little girl had become during the short ten months of her life. She still has the same bald head and the same twinkly eyes - but that head isn't quite so...squishy any more, and those eyes have a 'knowingness' about them that you can't find in her earlier face. Sometimes I wonder if the little girl who used to fall asleep on my chest is already gone....

But, of course, Paige is at a wonderfully active stage in her development right now, and most moments -no matter how ephemeral- are just so exciting that you have no choice but to get excited right alongside her. Whereas Rebecca and I used to have to guess at Paige's thoughts, we can now sit and watch her stare at the ducks and know that she's thinking "how am I going to get those things into my mouth?" She's so obviously wondering at, and figuring out and puzzling over things that you can't help but smile when you catch her pointing at an egg in a picture book and gleefully clapping her hands . And just when you think she can't get any sweeter she'll surprise you by doing something totally, and unexpectedly new. Like the other day, when Rebecca and I awoke in the morning to find Paige standing in her crib and staring at us, as she does most everyday. I lay in the bed, stretching my legs, while Rebecca sits up and gives an enthusiastic 'hi!' to our daughter, who, in reply, very distinctly waves at her mother and says 'hi!' back. Dumbfounded, I sit up on my elbows and look at Paige to make sure I heard correctly. Rebecca, just as dumbfounded, looks a me asks, "Did you...?! Did she...?! ...What?!" Paige, in the meantime, continues to wave at us with a big, goofy grin on her face.

Moments like that make the hard parts of this job not so hard (in retrospect).

So, as you can see, I'm split. While I am at once a little saddened by my inability to hang on to the tiny baby in the pictures, I am, at the same time, ensorcelled by this adorable, little girl who is just so happy to be alive. What a wonderful life.


By way of a send off I'll leave you with two pictures that I think do a good job capturing the 'Paigeiness' of Paige. If you look closely you can see in both pictures the hint of two teeth coming in at the top of her mouth.



I discovered yesterday that Paige can sit and play with my cheap cellphone for upwards of twenty minutes. She gets this huge smile on her face when I give it to her and will crawl around the living room waving it around cheerfully and banging it on everything she passes. Ominous hints of things to come? I think so. *shudder*

This is Paige pulling her most quintessential face: eyes crinkled, mouth smiling, tongue stuck out to the side. If she were waving in this picture then it would be an accurate representation of the look she gives me every time she notices me staring at her. Is it any wonder I'm in love?